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Have you ever had a day go drastically wrong -- so wrong that it was amusing (day’s later)?
Here is a series of emails that I sent to my supervisor, Irma, and my coworker, Joyce, on just such a bad day in 2005 . . .
First email after I called and said I wouldn’t be in that morning because my home’s plumbing was backed up:
********** FIRST EMAIL **********
Hi there Irma & Joyce:
Well, the plumber hasn't called yet.
I checked with two of my neighbors and they aren't having any problems with their plumbing (of course they haven't spent a couple thousand dollars replacing their old lines like we have). I took the cap off the new outside cleanout between the house and the street, and air and sewage shot out for about 5 minutes - but hey, the water in the tubs and sinks went down!
I ran the garden hose down the cleanout and it hit something about 10 feet out (the line measures about 25 feet from the house to the sidewalk). I turned on the hose and water and sewage ran out of the cleanout, but the clog didn't clear.
So, well, the plumber hasn't called yet.
I never thought I'd say this, but I'd rather be at work doing reconciliations.
I'll keep you posted.
I love my job, I love my plumbing, I love my job, I love my plumbing . . .
(When I’m having a bad day at work, I chant, “I love my job. I love my job.” It makes everyone laugh and their laughter cheers me up.)
Oh, and did I tell you about all the ants that are invading my house because the ground is flooded from all this torrential rain????? At least the ant spray smell is covering up the sewage smell!
I love my job, I love my plumbing, I love my job, I love my plumbing . . .
********** SECOND EMAIL **********
Right about now, I'm thinking my horoscope for today is full of #&$*(%
Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Taking the analytical approach just won't work. You'd rather be part of what's happening instead of being removed from it by definitions and categories. You'll always look back on these few days as a fun time.
While I was waiting for the plumber to call, I smelled something that was a little stronger than the sewer smell. I traced it to the craft room and realized the automatic-scooping cat litter box had jammed. I cleaned it out and got it running again, and I decided to vacuum the little rug I have it on. The vacuum (that I just bought in October) started smoking. The belt broke and jammed up inside the stupid thing. I got it apart and yanked the belt out. The up side: the room now smells like burnt rubber instead of cat poopy.
Just then the plumber called. He'll be out "sometime today, hopefully this morning." Okay, that's better than nothing. He said, "Hey didn't we just put all new lines in your house?" I said yes through gritted teeth. When I hung up the phone, I noticed that the digital screen on the phone is broken.
My husband called (still no display on the stupid phone even though I plugged it into the reprogram port of the "mother ship" phone base that runs all the phones in the house) and he said he'd take me out to dinner at the Outback tonight. I said, "Hmmmm, they have alcohol. Okay, I'll go."
Can I please come to work and do reconciliations now?
No, no, I must stay and wait for the plumber. Good thing for him there aren't any weapons in the house . . .
********** THIRD EMAIL **********
I hate plumbers. They're like little dictators with wrenches. He still hasn't shown up. Supposedly, I'm next on the list. Yeah, right. They're on my list too.
The pool guy came by and he actually had good news. We are the only house they are working on right now that isn't knee deep in mud. Our yard is mostly sandy soil, so even now when you walk on it you just get wet sand on your shoes and not mud. He's going to send a crew out tomorrow to put up our block wall and start grading - whaa hooo! He told me that the gunite shell that we have right now doesn't hold water. The reason the pool is half filled with water is because our water table is that high in the ground right now! It's level with the street outside. It won't get any higher because we're 3 feet above grade. So basically all the houses in our city are sitting on a great big dirt water bed right now. Nice!
After the pool guy left, I thought my day was finally turning around, then my neighbor, MaryBeth, called and said her dad was in intensive care. He fell and hit his head and he's in a coma with blood on his brain. She called to tell me that she's leaving for the hospital but she's leaving her bedroom sliding glass door open so I can still use her bathroom. I hope I didn't pass the bad mojo whammy off on her when I was over there.
Oh well, at this rate, I'm not sure if I'm going to make it in. At this rate, I'm not sure I want to risk driving. No telling if my car's engine or transmission could handle it!
I'll keep you posted. Heck, what else can I do? I can't leave. I can't vacuum. I can't take a shower. I can't do dishes. I can't go to the bathroom (at least without crossing the street). That cat box is looking pretty handy right now. Good thing I fixed it.
********** FOURTH EMAIL **********
After the last email, I realized I had a very bad stomach ache (because I didn't want to go #2 at the neighbor's house). So I put on my big ugly sweatpants to relieve the pressure. It was THEN that the plumber showed up and they sent the CUTE guy. Here I am in my black sweatpants with 4 pounds of cat hair on them. So he cleared the clog in about 15 minutes and charged me $150.
It’s after 2pm, so I’m just not going to come in today.
********** FIFTH EMAIL **********
Hi - Update --
I went to the place where I've bought all my vacuum cleaner parts for the last 18 years and it's been sold to a guy who doesn’t know anything about vacuums and didn't have my vacuum cleaner belt. He’s turning the janitorial supply into a janitorial supply AND printing business. I left in disgust and went to get my shoulder xray I need for my appointment with the orthopaedic surgeon tomorrow. I made it through that okay except for the fact that the 90 year old guy that sat next to me (there were no other seats and about a 1/2 hour wait) threw up in a trash can the whole time (when he wasn't hocking things into tissue).
On the way home (I figured I should go home and hide), my windshield had spots on it from the tree I had parked under, so I pushed the button for the squirter. It sprayed for about two seconds then the squirter nozzle flew over my car and the rest of the windshield fluid splatted onto my windshield. This is the car that I just bought new last year.
My husband and I went to the Outback last night we stopped by Sears (where I bought the cursed vacuum cleaner) but they don't have the belt either. It's a special order and could take a few weeks.
What the heck was I thinking? Of course, it couldn't be simple. Not with the way the rest of the day went.
Pam
********** EPILOGUE **********
I went to lunch with Linda, my friend who happens to be a psychiatrist. I told her about my day (see drama above). She said she’d love to do my astrological chart because I have “amazing shit clusters” in my life. I asked her what that was and she said that my life goes along very happy and wonderful for a long time then all of a sudden a cluster of bad shit happens at once. Like my karma saves it all up and unloads it at once. I asked her if “shit cluster” was a real-life psychiatric term, and she said, “It is now. I just made it up.”
“Shit Cluster” is an amazing phrase! It’s so appropriate for me.
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